Ups and Downs

I just read my previous post about the ogre. Then I read the title of this journal.

It is true that I have set forth on a journey, hoping to find freedom from this depression, anxiety, and panic. I never once, however, assumed the path would be easy.

There will be days when I am down and I think it's important to write about those days. Hopefully, I will also have good days, and I will write about those as well.

I told Mr. A about my thoughts of ending everything. It was the first time I had ever admitted that to anyone, although I'm sure some have suspected. It's frightening to experience those thoughts. Mr. A pointed out something very important: I'm still here.

Somehow, despite the pain and the horrible lows, I manage to pick myself up and keep moving forward. I have to believe that there is a part of me, perhaps trapped somewhere under all the pain, that wants to survive. A part of me that is fighting so hard to defeat the pain. There has to be... otherwise I'd just give up and end it all.

Maybe this is what Mr. A means by focusing more on Patty. Patty is the one trying to keep me moving forward, trying to convince me not to give up, while Nate is telling me all the reasons why I should just throw in the towel. I have been giving Nate a lot of power and ignoring Patty. But Patty comes through anyway. She's the reason I rally myself to get out of bed, to stop crying, and to try to find a new way of looking at things.

Patty has a tough job. Not only is she trying to keep the adult me moving forward, she's also there comforting my wounded inner child. And Nate is just sitting there eating his chicken, having a heyday with my emotions. Nate is a nasty little guy. Manipulative. Cunning. Powerful.

Patty is resilient, however. And determined. She will never give up on me. I need to remember that. She is my most powerful ally. She has seen me through it all. She knows I didn't have a good childhood and she knows why I loved my grandpa more than anyone in this world. She knows my fears and understands where they come from. She also knows that I have a reason to be in this world, and she will fight forever to make sure I stay in it.

Mr. A gave me a homework assignment. I have to write another scenario between Nate and Patty. He told me to have Patty knock the shit out of Nate, and at first I thought that was a bit too violent. I had always pictured Patty as a mousy gal, and Nate as a big lazy baboon who talked too much in my ear. I think I was wrong. Nate is more powerful than I gave him credit for--after all he is the one causing this misery. I was wrong about Patty too. She's much stronger than I ever expected. Maybe Mr. A will get his story after all.