Another Set Back or EHFAR?

I got called to the HR office on Monday, my fourth day at work. Apparently my supervisor didn't feel that I would be aggressive enough when it came to making phone calls for collections. Perhaps he was right, although I don't think that three days of training on the computer was really enough time to truly access my skills. The news was shocking to me and feels like a major set back. I thought my days of worrying about my finances were over. I thought I could finally take a break from sending out countless resumes every week.

I was devastated, to say the least. I went into auto pilot and left town for a day. Which makes me wonder if this is really a set back, or one of those EHFAR moments.

Everything Happens For A Reason. EHFAR.

Why do I think it's EHFAR? Let me make a list:

1. This job made me drive in downtown Cleveland. Something I have always feared doing.
2. The job made me realize that I have a heart larger than I ever expected. I can't call people and ask them for money. I'm so disgusted with a world that puts more importance on money than on giving someone a break.
3. After 2+ years, I finally drove to Athens.

If I hadn't lost my job (or if my assignment hadn't ended), I wouldn't have had the courage to drive four hours to visit my mom. My first major panic attack happened while driving to Columbus, February 14, 2009. I still hate thinking about that day; it brings back so many memories. Hard, painful, terrifying memories. And as I was driving the same highway yesterday, I felt myself get tense when I passed the roadside rest where I had stopped on that horrible day. I had gone into the bathroom, cried, pleaded with a higher power, then got mad at myself. I was confused--I had no idea what was wrong with me and I was so angry that I couldn't get control of myself. I always loved driving, yet the trip that day was the most difficult thing I have ever experienced. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be able to drive long distances again. Losing my job yesterday proved to me that I could.

Seems weird to be thankful for being dismissed from a job, but I learned a lot about myself. I am stronger than I thought. And I am more empathetic than I ever imagined. I don't feel like a victim today. I feel like I faced the horrors of this disorder and I came out the winner.

I'm learning to let go. I've always said I believed that EHFAR. It's time I started living that way. I don't know if my unemployment benefits will be extended. I don't know if I'll get approval to take some graphic design classes. I don't even know what tomorrow will bring. But for the first time in a really, really long time, I'm OK with that.