Terrified

Thanksgiving weekend is over and I once again found myself glued to my computer most of the day, looking for a job.

The thought that I may never find a job enters my mind often. And that thought is terrifying. I don't know how people survive on unemployment compensation. It's barely enough to cover my rent, car payment, and health care. I have to borrow from family for money for food and utilities. I know I'm not the only person in this situation, and some certainly have it worse than me. Yet when you sit in front of a computer, day after day, alone in your apartment, searching for work--it gets scary and lonely.

My journey to freedom seems to be on a bumpy road as of late. I'm exhausted from dealing with my anxiety and panic disorder. I'm starved for affection in the form of a warm hug. I long for the days when I had a steady income and my biggest worries were what to get people for the holidays.

During my long struggle with anxiety, I have turned to God only to find disappointment. I have now turned my back on organized religion, but there's a part of me that wonders if that was a wise choice. I believe there is a higher power at work in the universe. I'm just not sure the Christian interpretation is correct. I've found that not having something solid to believe in has made things difficult. I believe, but in what? Who do I pray to at night when my mind just won't rest? Who hears my silent sobs of desperation? Does anyone? I have to believe someone hears me... but who?

The journey is an uphill climb and the path is steep and rocky. I lose my footing often. But I'm resilient. I have to keep picking myself up and going forward because I believe that once I reach the top, I'll find the one thing I've been missing for so many years: happiness.

So, Dear God, Dear Spirit So Bright I Can't See You, Please hear my heart. Please help me. Please save me.